


Till you find that you love me too

by supercanaries



Category: Glee
Genre: Anxiety, F/F, Internal Conflict, Zombie Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2015-03-29
Packaged: 2018-03-20 05:45:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3638967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercanaries/pseuds/supercanaries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The base <i>was</i> close, Rachel registers today, eyes rolling and exhaustion finally sinking in as she collapses to the dirty ground and just lets herself listen to the reporter on Noah's radio describe the wave of devastation that took place at their supposed-to-be safe point over the night. Here they are now, in the middle of Kentucky, no food left whatsoever, a was-to-be Broadway famous, an ex-cheerleader that can do little more than stumbling while being held and the school bad boy who's apparently not as brave when it comes to the undead as he was with a controller rather than a stick in his hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Till you find that you love me too

**Author's Note:**

> Based on anonymous prompt who sent Faberry and "If you die, I'm going to kill you" on tumblr. It was supposed to be a drabble but apparently I have no control over that (not sure if it's a bad or a good thing). Forgive my mistakes. Zombie apocalypse AU, with nothing too graphic, just conflicted feelings and some anxiety.

The base is close, Rachel thought to herself as she walked through miles of nothing last night, legs barely supporting her anymore. 

The base _was_ close, Rachel registers today, eyes rolling and exhaustion finally sinking in as she collapses to the dirty ground and just lets herself listen to the reporter on Noah's radio describe the wave of devastation that took place at their supposed-to-be safe point over the night. Here they are now, in the middle of Kentucky, no food left whatsoever, a was-to-be Broadway famous, an ex-cheerleader that can do little more than stumbling while being held and the school bad boy who's apparently not as brave when it comes to the undead as he was with a controller rather than a stick in his hands. 

“I can't believe this is happening.” Rachel sighs, eyes already filling with tears, but she doesn't care anymore. She barely notices. “We're _so_ going to die.”

Quinn slides downward too, looking as defeated as Rachel feels, broken and even more surrendering now that her left leg is for no use. She probably knows Rachel and Noah are faster, knows she'll be the first to fall if they were attacked. The awareness makes something burn painfully in Rachel's chest, knowing that them dying is not just a possibility anymore but it is actually becoming inevitable. 

Everyday a new establishment falls. 

Everyday the miles separating them from supplies and other clean people grow.

Everyday they get to speak less and less with each other, because it feels like every word that comes out of their mouths aloud might be the last one. At least that's what is keeping Rachel from talking: knowing that it might be their last conversation, is it a respectable one? Is it even worth it to talk about it with everything that is happening around them? 

“We're not.” Puck says, holding the radio in his hand as if he hopes that's what will make the reporter come up with good news. “We're not dying here, it sucks.”

“Drop it, Puckerman.” Quinn sighs, sounding even more annoyed than usual whenever she's around Noah. “We should just rest, since it looks like our nearest spot has just blown.”

Rachel agrees, turns her eyes to Quinn and Quinn is staring back. She often wonders about those moments, when their eyes meet and their gazes stay connected for longer than she would usually feel comfortable with if it were someone else. Rachel is evasive. For years she's avoided meeting other students' eyes along the hallways because she hoped not looking up meant not getting slushie'd in the face. She can't for the love of god figure what is it about Quinn that makes her incapable of turning her eyes away. Just like any other time, it's Quinn who looks away first.

The conversation dies quickly, no one is in the mood for chatting when they could die at any moment, of course. Instead, they settle by a lonely tree in the middle of a quiet field. Rachel is scared, like she is all the time. She's afraid they won't pick the right spot, afraid they don't know enough about this area to survive. 

However, tiredness takes over her soon. Puckerman takes the first shift, Quinn takes the second. Rachel honestly feels lucky that she can sleep through two shifts without interruptions, if nightmares and fear allow. 

Unfortunately that is not case, which is not surprising considering that Rachel had to decapitate her own father for the sake of survival. She expects nothing but nightmares for years in case she made it – which she doubts anyway.

When it's time for her shift, Rachel is tugged by Quinn. 

She knows immediately because the touch on her shoulder is delicate and feminine and Quinn's quiet voice is hardly mistakable. The words are blurred to her ears. Like sand through fingers, she tries to catch them but they keep slipping away. 

Eventually, all that she gets is, “I'll give you five minutes and then I'll take a nap. It's your fault if we die.”

It works wonderfully. Rachel blinks her eyes open immediately, but it's hard to get used to the light of day at first. Her face is scrunched, she doesn't feel rested at all because her sleep was continuously interrupted. It's awful and everything around her smells rural. So much for the girl who used to dream of the streets of New York City.

Quinn is already out of her sight, so Rachel rushes to stand up and give a tug to her shirt and her jeans – as it mattered to make herself decent. One of the things she's never going to forget is having to rush out of her place after having killed her undead father and how thankful she is to her own instinct of grabbing clothes before she ran away. Dresses are not for running, let alone fighting for your own life.

Puckerman is sleeping a few feet by her, mouth open as he snores. Obviously.

She follows Quinn when she sees her, wondering why the other girl doesn't look willing to give herself some sleep (since she had just threatened to do so). She's not looking for a spot, doesn't seem to be tired even. Rachel feels like panicking for no particular reason other than the fact that anything that happens and wasn't planned makes her anxious. It feels risky.

“Quinn!” She hisses as quietly as she can. “ _Quinn_!” She tries louder when Quinn won't stop, strolling way too fast for a girl whose left leg can barely carry the body.

It's only when she basically scream 'Quinn' out in the open that the other girl turns to look at her, expression incredulous, shock all over her features. Rachel honest to God doesn't care now. There might be a part of her who's concerned with how desperately she's been trying to get Quinn's attention since sophomore year, but she's not willing to over-think it right now, this isn't high school and they might be dead by the next sunset.

“Are you insane?” Quinn asks, her green eyes wide and her lower lip hanging a little as it always does when she's growing angry. “Do you have any idea how dangerous that is, Rachel? Don't you ever think before you open your mouth?” Her eyes go sharp, almost thin lines and if looks could kill, Quinn would be the most dreaded of murderers. 

“I know.” Rachel says quietly, even though she feels intimidated underneath that gaze. “Why aren't you resting? You need this.”

“Why? Because I can barely walk?” Quinn asks back flatly, her tone cold like ice. 

“ _Because_ we all need to rest.” Rachel hurries to say. “We've been walking for days and even if we weren't _physically exhausted_ , we'd still need to rest our minds.”

“I'm fine.” Quinn mutters, looking away from Rachel. “I don't need to rest.”

Rachel knows better by now. She has learned that there are two options when Quinn is lying: she either bites her lower lip, eyes becoming bigger and glossy – that's when she's lying just _to be stubborn_. And then there is this: when she is lying because she's hiding some emotion she is probably not comfortable with sharing, so she just looks away because she doesn't want anyone to read it in her eyes. 

“You can talk to me.” Rachel offers, shrugging. 

“Aren't you supposed to be guarding?” Quinn looks at her again, her glare gentler but still not just _gentle_. “Puck might be dead by now, eaten in his sleep.”

“Pfff.” Rachel smiles tentatively. “I can hear him snore from here.”

She can almost see Quinn's lips curve in a smile and it makes something flutter in her stomach, to know that _she_ might be the one making Quinn smile. However, it is so brief and barely pronounced that Rachel convinces herself it's only her imagination, and then Quinn gives her one final glare – which is weaker than the last one even but a glare nevertheless – before she says:

“You might want to go back and check on him _before_ you can't hear him snore anymore.”

And those are the last words before she turns and walks away from Rachel. This time Rachel doesn't follow. As much as she wants to know what is upsetting Quinn – as if they didn't have a zombie apocalypse to be concerned with generally speaking -, she also hates being petulant around her. She's been for long, always pushing for Quinn to do the right thing in every kind of situation, but she doesn't want to do it now. Since they've been traveling together Rachel feels different about her, in ways in which she shouldn't allow herself to feel, knowing it would stay with her and she could never cross any line between them.

With her head heavy with thoughts that would be loud enough to reach Quinn's ear if that was possible, Rachel just stands in the middle of this desert field, her eyes getting more and more practiced to spot any movement each day that goes by. However when your judgment is as clouded as Rachel's is now, it's hard to feel confident over your own focus. That's making her anxious again, her chest inflates and deflates continuously and she feels the need to pass her fingers through her own hair but she's starting to think that would be too much of a distraction, that she can't afford it. 

Eventually, she starts mentally drifting off. She knows it's dangerous, knows she shouldn't let herself wander, but the truth is, she's stuck here with Puck and Quinn, two people that used to be a nightmare during the first months of her sophomore year and then became friends in Glee club, but still two people she can't seem to ever understand. Especially Quinn. Quinn won't tell this, Quinn won't share, Quinn who was always so guarder even during Senior year, when Rachel seemed to be the only person she could open up to. It's like all of that is gone all of a sudden and it wounds Rachel because it made her feel privileged, like she got to see all of those parts of Quinn no one else had access to, all of her emotions she kept to herself all the time were finally revealed to her and now Quinn has closed up again.

“See? This is why I can't sleep.”

Quinn's voice startles her. Rachel turns abruptly, blushing as if she'd been caught, as if Quinn could tell what she was thinking of. She's standing there, in front of Rachel, looking like she could have forgotten their previous discussion already.

“W-what?” She stutters, it's high-pitched. 

“You're basically daydreaming.” Quinn says with a smug smirk that suddenly takes Rachel's breath away and every promise of not getting involved with something that might hurt is long lost. “Not that I haven't seen you do that dozens of times before, at school.”

“I wasn't!” Rachel complains, but her voice is clearly betraying her. “I just—It's very hard.”

“I know.” Quinn says, shrugging and stumbling towards her. “But that's why we have to be tougher, Rachel.”

Rachel feels like this is such a fill-in conversation. Getting a pep talk about zombie survival from Quinn? Doesn't sound like something that would ever happen if any other reason than avoiding the elephant in the room. And even though avoiding it would be so much easier, because it is clear to Rachel that Quinn is offering a chance to pretend their previous conversation never happened, Rachel isn't the kind of person who drops it, ever.

“About earlier,” Quinn gives her a warning look but Rachel ignores it, “I know something is bothering you and maybe won't let you sleep. So you're avoiding it, then you can pretend you're not sleeping because _you don't want to_ , but it's actually because you can't.”

It's blurted out so quickly, Rachel can barely breathe by the end, but at least she seems to have got an effect. When Quinn's face shifts in surprise, Rachel herself has to admit she's impressed with her own skills at reading the other other girl. She wasn't even aware of being so close until she said it out loud. She wonders, for the briefest of moments, if that is what would make a good relationship worth it of any risk. Of course she tosses the thought in the back of her head, not only because Quinn is a girl, but also because, even if Rachel saw past that, she wouldn't stand a chance.

For a long moment, Quinn gives her a considering look, then her arms drop and she looks up at the sky.

“Why doesn't it even matter anyway?” She says quietly, almost as if she doesn't want Rachel to hear. They do stubborn pretty well, both of them.

“It matters.” Rachel steps toward her, watching as Quinn steps back and looks at her again. “Whatever you're thinking matters to me, it's just the three of us now. Don't you get it? We only have one another.”

Quinn bites the inside of her mouth at the word three although Rachel can't exactly tell why.

“Talk to me.” She insists, her face probably over-dramatic. “I just want to know what's on your mind-”

“What do you think, Rachel?!” Quinn suddenly screams, startling Rachel out of what was a quiet conversation just a moment ago. “I'm doomed! I can barely walk and the only reason I'm still alive is that we didn't have to hit any of those … _things_ since I was wounded!”

Rachel has never seen Quinn as furious – well, except for that time when she was trying to convince Rachel to let it go with Finn anyway and it's been a year – and she has to admit that if she wasn't so focused on Quinn's own interest, she'd be scared. Instead of standing there and trembling, Rachel gains her own courage and steps forward, quickly taking Quinn's hands in her own before Quinn can get out or reach again. 

The other girl looks shocked at the contact, her whole face frowning with a terror that makes Rachel's stomach twist as Quinn looks down at their joined hands. Rachel hates that awful feeling, knowing that Quinn is so horrified by her touch apparently.

“Rachel-”

Quinn starts saying and Rachel curses herself mentally when she interrupts her. Sometimes she wishes she didn't speak so quickly.

“Listen, I know it's scary, look at me. Don't I look like someone who's scared?” She asks, pushes her optimistic nature aside for a moment, even if it's probably her most useful quality in such a situation. “And I'm not going to lie to you, of course you're an easier target than Noah and I--”

Quinn scoffs, looking away as if she wants to ask how this is supposed to be reassuring. She doesn't pull her hands away though, which Rachel considers a progress. 

“But being like this won't make it any better.” Rachel continues.

Eyes darting at Rachel's again, Quinn sighs and looks lost in some sort of silent panic.

“Being like what?” She eventually asks, weak and surrendering as Rachel as has never seen her before, even though she knows the answer already.

“Not resting, pushing yourself to the limit.” Rachel whispers, hesitatingly adding, “I really don't want you to make it easier for anyone or anything to kill you.”

Quinn's eyes are wide now, looking into Rachel's with such intensity that for a moment Rachel could have been fooled. She feels like Quinn moves in closer, not much, enough to have Rachel shiver but not enough for her to figure if it actually happened or if it was just in her head.

“Fine.” Quinn just says and the moment is broken.

Their hands untangle and Rachel is left standing there as the other girl walks by her, in the direction of the spot they chose to sleep. 

Rachel feels a little breathless and confused, heart hammering in her chest while she's trying to understand what just happened. Maybe she's pushing it too far. Maybe suppressing all those feelings, all those emotions is actually starting to have an opposite effect and she's starting to see things she's not supposed to imagine. Or maybe it's just this whole mess, death and loneliness and desertion for miles, that is driving her insane. 

Whatever it is, Rachel better get over it. The aim of the conversation was to get Quinn to bed – which is a poor choice of words at the moment, Rachel realizes in her head – so there is no reason to still ponder about it.

She better be watching her friends.

***

Two days later, they finally find an abandoned supermarket.

During their whole trip to it, Quinn hasn't said a word to her and above else, she's been avoiding Rachel's gaze. Now Rachel really doesn't want to read too much into things so she'd rather offer herself a more realistic version: Quinn probably figured she's having some sort of girl crush on her and she's putting distance between them. Rachel can't blame her. At the top of an unexpected zombie apocalypse, why would Quinn deal with her former Glee club companion crushing on her?

Therefore, Rachel never brings it up. Not just the crush, _everything_. The way Quinn is avoiding her and would even prefer talking to Noah rather than her. The way she sometimes catches Quinn staring at her curiously and how those are the only times their eyes meet. Puck won't bring it up either, honestly is way too clumsy to notice. So Rachel just lets it be, lets it hang with no solution, until today.

Today is different, because Quinn and Puck were the ones usually assaulting abandoned shops and markets while Rachel hid outside. 

Obviously, Quinn can't do that anymore.

Sending Quinn in a closed space would only mean sentence her to death. Rachel might be scared but she doesn't have in her to allow it. 

That is why, when Puck walks out of the closet of the empty house they're using as a basement to get ready (because exploring it all would be better than leaving one of them out in the open), Rachel rushes to follow. 

Quinn isn't distracted, moves smoothly although she's wounded and grabs Rachel's arm, forcing her to turn around. Puck is already out of sight, which makes Rachel anxious both with the idea that he's going alone and the fact that she's left with Quinn and no one else as a third wheel to avoid the awkwardness between them.

“What do you think you're doing?” Quinn basically growls with offense and authority.

That look makes something burn guiltily in Rachel's lower belly.

“I-I didn't mean to imply anything!” She rushes to explain. “It's not that you can't do it, it's just that it'd be safer if you didn't.”

“Because the chances of me dying are _so_ high,” Quinn rolls her eyes.

“I know we've already stated that but-”

“No, Rachel, you don't get it!” Quinn finally screams, her face exploding with frustration and her voice cracking in a way it never had before.

“What?” Rachel asks, quiet and breathless. 

“I don't want you to die!” She gets as a response, Quinn looking like a mess and biting her lower lip which adds so much to those weird emotions through Rachel's body. “I can't stand you dying and I'm already half-dead, just let me go!”

“You know I won't.” Rachel says without thinking twice, as if it's natural.

“ _You're so frustrating_!” Quinn screams again. “You never listen! If something happens to you, Puck is left with no one but a cripple-”

“You're not a cripple!” Rachel fights back, starting to feel some frustration of her own.

“I will be if I don't die.” Quinn's jaw is tight, her eyes are dark. “Do you want Puckerman to be left alone with me? I'll just be a burden and he'll end up dead too.”

Rachel is careful to notice how Quinn avoids directly mentioning that _Rachel_ could die too. She doesn't wonder about it though, because reading into things is how she got into their awkward silence in the first place.

“I don't care, I'm not letting you go.” She shrugs and gives Quinn a glare that she probably wasn't even aware to be able to produce. “Nothing you will say is going to chance my mind and quite frankly? You should know that by now.”

The way Rachel says it is sharp and meant to hurt but she's not sure Quinn knows that or feels it. She's not sure about what it means completely either, thinks that maybe she put so much more into those last words that Quinn is going to figure out exactly all the reasons why Rachel isn't going to let go. 

Is it because they're friends and Rachel cares about Quinn? Sure. 

Is it because Rachel has become such a better person and she just couldn't let anyone go on these circumstances? Obviously.

But there is so much more to it, so much that it has more to do with the way Rachel's heart skips beats everytime she's near Quinn; or the way her fingers itch to reach out for Quinn's everytime she could take her hand but doesn't; or with the way she is looking at Quinn right now, eyes big and probably so full of readable feelings and emotions and love and attraction- yes, she's finally letting it out in her mind, she's _attracted_ to her and has _feelings_ for her. Actual feelings. Nothing like the affection she's felt for Kurt or Mercedes, nothing like that. It's ache and need to touch, kiss, explore.

Of course, Rachel doesn't say any of this out loud.

_It's useless_. She thinks to herself, more defeated than she has ever been in her whole life.

Rachel was never one to surrender easily but this? This is surreal and it's just an emotional and physical effort she can't allow herself to go through when there's no chance it will ever bring results. 

“I'm sorry, Quinn.” She says eventually, broken and sad. “You get to stay here.”

That's her final order before she turns around and marches towards the door, feeling the tears threaten to stream and having horrible flashbacks of that day in the auditorium around Regionals during their junior year.

Once more though, Quinn moves surprisingly fast.

Again, Rachel is being tugged by the arm.

This time, she turns big teary eyes at Quinn, but her face falls quickly when she sees the way Quinn is looking at her.

It's intense, it's mysterious and unreadable, and Rachel has barely a few seconds to wonder before Quinn's hand cups her jaw and their lips crush together.

Rachel closes her eyes on an instinct at first touch, Quinn's mouth feeling softer than she had imagined it would be and the whole world stopping until they're frozen in this moment, Quinn's hand on her face and her mouth toying with Rachel's lower lip until Rachel realizes she hasn't moved. She can feel the press of Quinn's hand become more persistent, pressing as if she hopes that is going to make Rachel kiss her back. 

And then Rachel starts to see it, Quinn's own insecurities. She's scared that she is going to be rejected. Just like Rachel has been this whole time.

With that awareness it is easy for Rachel to kiss back, explore and tilt her head, tongue darting out to lick along Quinn's lower lip until they're kissing eagerly for what seems like forever but it's actually barely a minute.

When they're pulling back, Rachel rushes to open her eyes to make sure Quinn is there, that it wasn't just some weird dream and especially that Quinn isn't regretting it.

Quinn, however, is just giving her another of those dark unreadable stares, not taking one single step back so that their breaths are still tangled in the air between them as she whispers, “If you die, I'm going to kill you.”

Honestly, if Rachel wasn't so out of her mind, she'd laugh at how silly and contradictory that sounds, but Quinn _just kissed her_ and she blew it. 

Instead she feels her cheeks heat up, thinks she's about to faint, stomach full of butterflies and heart beating so fast with adrenaline that nothing out there could ever kill her.

She barely manages to utter, “okay,” as she walks away, stumbling upon a step to the door on her way.

She can't be sure, but she thinks she can hear Quinn chuckle behind her.


End file.
